For some time now, I’ve thought about writing a book. During
my high school years, when the extent of my writing portfolio consisted of a
collection of English essays, I didn’t care what the book would be about. I
knew that I wanted to write one, though. Articulating ideas on paper
was a task that cost me little effort. There were times that I actually enjoyed
it. I decided to test the water by
joining my high school newspaper staff, served as Editor in Chief and even did
a brief internship of sorts with The Cleveland Plain Dealer. What I discovered was that, at a time when fewer and fewer of my
peers were reading anything, much less their high school newspaper, many of
them seemed to enjoy my writing. Some even claimed to look forward to my columns. So I was
decided: I would go to college and become a journalist.
But that didn’t happen.
I never forgot about the book though, and I kept writing.
During my brief stint in Idaho I got the opportunity to author a short-lived
column/fishing report fort The Teton
Valley Citizen, which I dubbed, Fish
Fodder. I don’t know what that paper’s
circulation was, but it made its way around a small community where people
actually seemed to care about the local fishing report. Every once in a while
someone would bump into me around town and reference something I’d written. I
didn’t get paid for the column, but I never thought about that when I was
writing it. The fact that someone else was printing my words for others to read
was validation. At 22, fresh out of college and without a career “path,” I
didn’t necessarily need validation, but it didn’t hurt either.
When 2013 began, I was 26 years old, and I’d added a few new
chapters to the would-be narrative. Cancer, marriage, and home-ownership had
thickened the plot. This was the year,
my bride and I agreed, that we would
restore some normalcy to our lives. Maybe ease off the gas a little bit with
the whole coming of age process…“take a deep breath,” as they say. I’m not
entirely convinced that 'normalcy' has any real meaning any more – if it ever
did. But, the steelhead streams of my native northeast Ohio seemed a good place
to start looking for it.
It could be a personality flaw, a comment on my generation,
or a more pervasive human characteristic: Inevitably, when I stumble onto
something good, I soon after start the search for something better. Right about
the time I started developing a certain knack for watching a bobber tethered to
a spinning rod, I decided that it would be unequivocally more awesome to watch that bobber if it were tethered to a fly
rod. And when that bobber started going under fairly consistently, it was
brought to my attention that doing away with the bobber altogether would
produce infinitely more rewarding results. And when my swung fly began
intercepting steelhead with some regularity, I couldn’t help but fill my head
with visions of 12-pounders boiling behind skated dry flies (no such luck in
this department to date). So it stands to reason, I suppose, that as one season
is reaching its zenith, my natural tendency is to look the horizon. With the
spring run peaking, I’d already begun the search for suitable quarry in places
both near…
And far.
After consecutive summers of cross-country road-trips
covering thousands of miles and multiple mountain ranges, in the back of my
head a quiet but persistent notion was developing. Perhaps I was missing some
opportunities closer to home. Perhaps, if we broadened our horizons and took
the trout goggles off we could find fish, landscapes, & experiences to whet
our appetites without the 3,000 mile round-trip ticket. But first, I got an
unexpected invitation back to Montana to catch a few fish and take some
pictures.
When I got back to Cleveland, Alex more or less had the Big
Orange saddled up and ready to go. I punched the clock at work a couple times,
threw some bags together and by 6:00 AM that Sunday we were barreling north.
I’m an Ohio boy through and through, but I’ve got a
not-so-secret crush on the state up north. Simply put, Michigan is an angler’s
paradise. Our visit left me with such an impression that I couldn’t wait until
I got back to start telling the story; I began punching keys right then and
there in the back of the Big O as a constant wave of asphalt-warmed air poured
over me. As it turns out, that story should be hitting the shelves any day
now in
volume 5.2 of The Fly Fish Journal.
In July I got my ego checked by some big wild browns on the
West Branch, followed by a cannonball run to Maryland to tune-up for the
Southern Comfort Tour. Arriving to the Volunteer State without much of an itinerary, we dabbled: Trout,
stripers, carp, life-changing barbecue and a whole lot of whiskey. We also
crossed paths with some pretty awesome people and had one helluva good time
before we had to head back to Cleveland, where wander withdrawals and the end-of-summer doldrums awaited.
Having exhausted my PTO reserves, I needed
something on the home front to keep my motor running until the steelhead circus made
it back to town. I started tying really big flies, conjured as much blind faith
as I was capable of and took to casting until my shoulder hurt. Finally seeing
that first snaky set of teeth and fins behind one of those flies was reward
enough, and it changed the angler in me in a way that I doubt he’ll ever
recover from.
So often in life, in an effort to encapsulate our
experiences into easily digested doses, we turn to metaphor. We do this quietly
and privately in our own minds, publicly in conversation, or in the case of the
writer, on paper for others to absorb as it suits them. Metaphor offers a means
of distilling a world so vast, so complex, so utterly mystifying, into
perspectives that add direction to directionless lives. The circle of life, The
river that runs through it, the birds and the bees, etc. On a day-to-day basis, metaphors allow
us to explain ideas or experiences we don’t understand by relating them to
those that we do.
In order to have the proper effect though, metaphors must be
used in the appropriate context. As cultural contexts shift over time, many
commonly used metaphors separate from their original meanings. Literary
scholars refer to these figures of speech as “dead metaphors.” We go on using
them in everyday conversation, oblivious to their origins or intended meanings.
By October of this year, after another summer punctuated by
memorable fishing trips, I was feeling pretty good about the way my narrative
was taking shape.
I saw my life as
a metaphor for something bigger - not that I necessarily knew what that
something was, but that I could find it if I looked hard enough. I even thought
about that book from time to time.
And then my wife handed me this:
My brain surged with electricity as a tidal wave of emotion
crippled my logic machine. After a frozen moment I began to comprehend. I
exclaimed my elation, gave her the biggest hug I could muster, and politely
requested that she head upstairs and take another test: it was positive, as was
the third. A quiet chaos began brewing inside of me, born of a rare concoction
of joy and fear that few life events are capable of inspiring. The insular
worldview I’d built my life around to this point had just fallen victim
to a car bomb: Whatever metaphor I’d planned on using to tell my
story was now dead, its context shattered into cavernous oblivion by a seismic
shift. I’d need a whole new set of analogies to distill any sort of perspective
from the maze of questions that now entrapped me. I found myself confronting my
own mortality, even as I was about to bring new life to the world.
I’ve spent the last few months preparing my psyche for the
sea change that lies ahead and revisiting my college-aged quest for
enlightenment. I even dug out a few of my old notebooks. Just the other
day, I came across some notes from my Philosophy 201 class relating to the
science of understanding. I could even read my own handwriting:
“Understanding a phenomenon involves perceiving that
phenomenon as a part of a pattern with which we are familiar.”
My notes tell of the different causal patterns through which
we might come to understand various phenomena. I had to re-read one
description in particular:
“Final Cause: An object or event is understood if we know
what its ultimate “end” or “telos” is: that is, to what fully developed form it
is heading, or how it is part of a larger whole which is heading toward the
same end. (Note: the “end” may just be stability in its current form). This
kind of understanding is based on a worldview in which everything has a purpose
or end.”
The death of a metaphor is not a sad story. It begets new
metaphors with new meanings, even as we struggle to define them. I once fished
worms for panfish and now swing flies for steelhead. I’m not sure what the
fully developed form of either endeavor is. Perhaps, the end is just stability
in it’s current form.
The book will have to wait. Baby Lampros is expected to
arrive on June 21, 2014 – the longest day of the year. I’m not sure what that
means, but I’m sure it’s a metaphor for something.